AGirlWithACoupe
08-24-2002, 07:08 PM
By MICHAEL FORSYTH
Government shrinks have identified a shocking new form of crack addiction: A startling 1 out of every 25 American women is hooked on plumber’s crack!
You heard that right: Instead of being grossed out when a plumber bends over, exposing the top of his meaty derriere, these gals crave the sight -- and will go to outlandish lengths to sneak a peak.
Researchers from the National Institutes of Health have found that the problem is widespread and deadly serious, with literally millions of U.S. women plunged into the depths of plumber’s crack addiction.
"It’s America’s secret shame -- no one wants to talk about it," says psychiatrist Dr. Terry Ebel, who’s seen the soon-to-be released report.
"In the advanced stages, this addiction can lead to financial ruin as afflicted individuals spend a fortune on plumbers’ fees to feed their habit.
"You have women who deliberately damage a kitchen fixture so they have an excuse to call a plumber. After they get their 'fix,' they damage the fixture again, then go straight to the Yellow Pages to find another plumber.
"In one of the most extreme case studies that figures in the report, an addict called 27 plumbers in a single month about the same leak."
The affliction strikes women of all ages, from fresh-faced young homemakers to silver-haired society matrons who'd blanch at the suggestion that they harbor any curiosity about blue-collar backsides.
Twenty-nine-year-old divorcee Cindy B. of Cleveland knows firsthand about the nightmare of addiction. She admits the hankering for plumber's crack became all-consuming and ended up destroying her marriage.
"I just couldn't help myself. I'd stand there, gawking at that magnificent tush, blushing like a schoolgirl," the fanny-fixated mom of two recalls.
"I knew I had a problem, but I couldn't talk about it with anyone."
Arguments over the family's skyrocketing plumbing bill -- which peaked at $6,900 a month -- led her husband to file for divorce last November.
Psychiatrists think they've gotten to the bottom of the problem.
"Male buttock cleavage is the last frontier as an erogenous zone -- women are very reluctant to admit they find it a turn on," explains Dr. Ebel.
"Curiously, many women have no interest in the perky, well-toned buttocks of the male models you'd find in Playgirl.
"They yearn for a more rugged, macho, down-to-earth look -- and the plumber, the last bastion of old-fashioned American masculinity, fits the bill."
The broader and flabbier the buttocks, the more appealing to addicts.
"The ideal for these women is a sprawling expanse of milky white flesh divided by a gaping, hairy crevasse," Dr. Ebel added.
The NIH report calls for more aggressive treatment of the disease, to try to wipe out the problem before it leads to marital and financial disaster.
Cindy B. is already getting help from a 12-step recovery program.
"Right now I'm just taking it one day at a time," she says.
Government shrinks have identified a shocking new form of crack addiction: A startling 1 out of every 25 American women is hooked on plumber’s crack!
You heard that right: Instead of being grossed out when a plumber bends over, exposing the top of his meaty derriere, these gals crave the sight -- and will go to outlandish lengths to sneak a peak.
Researchers from the National Institutes of Health have found that the problem is widespread and deadly serious, with literally millions of U.S. women plunged into the depths of plumber’s crack addiction.
"It’s America’s secret shame -- no one wants to talk about it," says psychiatrist Dr. Terry Ebel, who’s seen the soon-to-be released report.
"In the advanced stages, this addiction can lead to financial ruin as afflicted individuals spend a fortune on plumbers’ fees to feed their habit.
"You have women who deliberately damage a kitchen fixture so they have an excuse to call a plumber. After they get their 'fix,' they damage the fixture again, then go straight to the Yellow Pages to find another plumber.
"In one of the most extreme case studies that figures in the report, an addict called 27 plumbers in a single month about the same leak."
The affliction strikes women of all ages, from fresh-faced young homemakers to silver-haired society matrons who'd blanch at the suggestion that they harbor any curiosity about blue-collar backsides.
Twenty-nine-year-old divorcee Cindy B. of Cleveland knows firsthand about the nightmare of addiction. She admits the hankering for plumber's crack became all-consuming and ended up destroying her marriage.
"I just couldn't help myself. I'd stand there, gawking at that magnificent tush, blushing like a schoolgirl," the fanny-fixated mom of two recalls.
"I knew I had a problem, but I couldn't talk about it with anyone."
Arguments over the family's skyrocketing plumbing bill -- which peaked at $6,900 a month -- led her husband to file for divorce last November.
Psychiatrists think they've gotten to the bottom of the problem.
"Male buttock cleavage is the last frontier as an erogenous zone -- women are very reluctant to admit they find it a turn on," explains Dr. Ebel.
"Curiously, many women have no interest in the perky, well-toned buttocks of the male models you'd find in Playgirl.
"They yearn for a more rugged, macho, down-to-earth look -- and the plumber, the last bastion of old-fashioned American masculinity, fits the bill."
The broader and flabbier the buttocks, the more appealing to addicts.
"The ideal for these women is a sprawling expanse of milky white flesh divided by a gaping, hairy crevasse," Dr. Ebel added.
The NIH report calls for more aggressive treatment of the disease, to try to wipe out the problem before it leads to marital and financial disaster.
Cindy B. is already getting help from a 12-step recovery program.
"Right now I'm just taking it one day at a time," she says.